Beautiful Contradictions

I am mad at God. I realize it is irrational and unfounded and yet, I still am. I know that at least 75% of crap that happens is by my own machinations but it doesn’t heal the bitterness.”Everyone leaves in the end anyway” that seems to be the personal motto for my life…because it’s been proven true time and time again. I love something; I lose it, sometimes to death, sometimes to life, and sometimes just because it wasn’t mine to begin with. I know that all these things should give me some peace about the whole thing…and when I am thinking rationally, with my usual sunny disposition, it does. Lately though, I haven’t been so sunny. I wonder what in life makes me so easy to leave.I know that death isn’t someone making a conscious decision to leave you…. it’s God taking them from you…and I know people wax poetic about it being their time, their pain and suffering is gone…everything happens for a reason, and I believe that…on my rational days.Today though, I am a little bitter…and honestly tired of losing…I can’t do it again. I guess tomorrow is a new day, the sun will be shining, I will still be alive. I think that I should be thankful for that, for God allowing me another day to tell the people I love how much they mean to me. You should do that every day of your life, tell the people who matter how much they do, hug more, kiss more, smile more…because in one moment, one instance, on diagnosis, they can just be gone. I can’t handle another person I love leaving this earth without knowing the impact they have had on my life…no more regrets…and the next time it happens; they will know exactly what they mean to me.I guess part of me is mad at God…and myself. Maybe we had to come to this…me becoming bitter to find my way back. I can’t say I’m there yet, my heart hasn’t totally been healed…but we’re working on it.  I guess you have to learn to depend on the one thing that will never leave you…like faith of a mustard seed. 

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