Beautiful Contradictions

I’ve never met a French fry I didn’t like. Seriously. Extra crispy, salty, covered in chili, gravy, avocado, cheese, dipped in ketchup, ranch, barbeque sauce, sweet and sour, honey mustard. They should be a sin.

Why is it that everything that is so awesomely delicious is not so awesomely delicious for you? The worst part is I CRAVE these things. I drive past any random fast food restaurant, get a whiff and am salivating.

It blows. I know in my head that healthy is good, and hell I like carrot as much as the next girl, but nothing beats that crispy potato.

My favorite ones are from The Hat. They are thick, fried to a perfect golden brown and topped with mounds of chili and cheese. I am practically salivating at the memory. Add to that nice hearty pastrami and you have a heart attack waiting to happen.

I mean why can’t food like this be health food? I guess that would just make everything in life too easy. As the saying goes, “everything worth having is worth fighting for.” This explains the fact that I drag myself to the gym…where it smells, where naked ladies walk around sans everything, with sweaty guys who sit on the machines, and the people who overstay their welcome on the cardio machines…I do it because it’s worth it…because I’m worth it.

So tomorrow I will eat my carrot sticks and smile…and act like I am not imagining a super size.

I am mad at God. I realize it is irrational and unfounded and yet, I still am. I know that at least 75% of crap that happens is by my own machinations but it doesn’t heal the bitterness.”Everyone leaves in the end anyway” that seems to be the personal motto for my life…because it’s been proven true time and time again. I love something; I lose it, sometimes to death, sometimes to life, and sometimes just because it wasn’t mine to begin with. I know that all these things should give me some peace about the whole thing…and when I am thinking rationally, with my usual sunny disposition, it does. Lately though, I haven’t been so sunny. I wonder what in life makes me so easy to leave.I know that death isn’t someone making a conscious decision to leave you…. it’s God taking them from you…and I know people wax poetic about it being their time, their pain and suffering is gone…everything happens for a reason, and I believe that…on my rational days.Today though, I am a little bitter…and honestly tired of losing…I can’t do it again. I guess tomorrow is a new day, the sun will be shining, I will still be alive. I think that I should be thankful for that, for God allowing me another day to tell the people I love how much they mean to me. You should do that every day of your life, tell the people who matter how much they do, hug more, kiss more, smile more…because in one moment, one instance, on diagnosis, they can just be gone. I can’t handle another person I love leaving this earth without knowing the impact they have had on my life…no more regrets…and the next time it happens; they will know exactly what they mean to me.I guess part of me is mad at God…and myself. Maybe we had to come to this…me becoming bitter to find my way back. I can’t say I’m there yet, my heart hasn’t totally been healed…but we’re working on it.  I guess you have to learn to depend on the one thing that will never leave you…like faith of a mustard seed.